This set of answers comes from popular blogger, Curvaceous Dee, a 30 year old pansexual polyamorous and submissive female in a civil union.

What does intimacy mean to you? How do you define intimacy?

Intimacy isn’t necessarily sexual. It’s an openness and a sharing that only comes by being close with someone. And in order to get close, there needs to be trust, respect, honesty and communication. How do I define intimacy? I define it as sharing aspects of myself with others.

Do you think that all acts of sex are necessarily intimate?

Not necessarily. They can be un-intimate, and those acts are the type I prefer not to have. Having tried both not-intimate and intimate sex, I much prefer the openness and sharing that intimate sexual contact has.

What about sex makes it intimate? Makes it not intimate?

Sex is not, in itself, inherently intimate. But what makes sex an intimate act is the desires and actions of the people involved. If they’re there purely to scratch and itch and get themselves off? It’s (in my opinion) not intimate. If they’re there to share happy naked fun-times and orgasms with someone, and to assist them in reaching that point (and being assisted in turn)? Then it’s probably intimate.

When is sex intimate?

When the people involved care for the others involved, and want the journey (and outcome) to be as pleasant and arousing as possible. It’s the act of giving and sharing that makes the intimacy.

Are some sexual acts more intimate than others?

I think they can be percieved that way. Doing something primarily for the pleasure of another person (ie: oral sex) can be seen as particularly intimate. But when the person giving really enjoys it too (as I do) it can blur the perceptions. I think any act can be intimate. From pouring juice to massage, from brushing hair to turning the mattress.

Is the act of sex an intimate act for you? Why or why not? Does it change depending on who your partners are?

I prefer not to have non-intimate sex. In the past I’ve had sexual partners whom I didn’t have a closeness with – my first three partners were exactly that. I wanted to learn to enjoy sex; they wanted to fuck. In none of those cases was I interested in what they wanted, or them interested in what I wanted.

These days I have many loves, and some of them are sexual partners. Sex with them can be fun, or sadistic, or hilarious, or romantic, or messy, or experimental, or any combination of the above. But it’s always intimate.

How do you perceive the differing levels of intimacy when multiple partners are involved?

That’s an interesting one. What I have perceived is just how intimate two people can be, when I’ve been invited to watch rather than participate. It’s always a huge honour, because seeing two people I care for being intimate together (in a sexual way) is a different way of sharing that intimacy with me. When I’ve been invited to participate in their intimacy it’s easy to let it all wash through and around me. But sitting on the edge and being involved but not active really makes it clear.

What about sex without intimacy, like sex between strangers? Can there still be a level of intimacy that builds between two people because of the act of sex itself?

I’m sure that there can be. However I find sex with a stranger or near-stranger quite unsatisfying, and it’s (I figured out eventually) because of the lack of caring/bond/friendship/intimacy. I prefer to be sexual with someone who means something to me.

What about intimacy in virtual relationships, like online where the sex itself may be virtual?

I have become close with many people online, but not to the point of sexual intimacy (for the most part). While I’ve been invited to more than once, cyber-sex or virtual sex doesn’t appeal to me. However, the few times I have done it with a RL partner it has been very arousing.

I had a cyber-encounter with an online friend recently – it wasn’t planned, but grew quite organically. It was one-sided though: I was arousing them with my words to help bring them to orgasm. Because I was giving, and doing something for them (rather than scratching an itch myself), to me it felt intimate. I’ve certainly had no regrets over it.

Please tell me a little bit about sex and intimacy in your own life.

I love sex. I love intimacy. And the combination of the two is marvellous. I have had sex without intimacy with more than a few partners – but none in the last six years. Which is likely why I indentify as polyamorous rather than a swinger. There can be a large cross-over between the two, but in my case I place myself firmly in the polyamorous camp.